Writer's (Knife?) Block

It's been a few weeks since I updated this blog. I had planned to write every week without fail but I'll be honest, the words just wouldn't come out. Not that nothing's been happening, its the words that were the problem.

I continued my ink journey and this one was actually pretty significant in that it's the first skull I've got, the first tattoo that really celebrates my darker side. My arms were full of cute things, blossoms for my dad, blue wrens for my family, a portrait style of one of my pet rats. I have owls on my chest for my kids, muses with bat wings for me. This time I wanted something fierce, something that showed more dimensions to my experience, my personality. I had some ideas, some images to show my artist when I got to the studio, and he found an image that I knew was the one. I knew he would be able to do it justice, make it unique and mine, and he did. A bit over three hours later I had an amazing image on my right forearm of an owl, with the wings framing a large skull, and jagged moons. I love it!

Other things were not going quite so well however. My thesis was lacking something. I just couldn't get my literature review to come together into a piece I was happy with and a direction I wanted to follow. My supervisors agreed and we talked about some different but related options. I was trying to rediscover my passion and identify a core to build my work around. A lot of work, a lot of free-writing, a lot of thinking brought me to a place I'm more confident being in, but it means scrapping a lot of what I've already done (not deleted but shelved) and going back to the drawing board. Today marks 3 months of being into my thesis so that's a scary concept. I worked on a new plan, and look forward to talking to my supervisors tomorrow. I guess I need to hear that I'm not a failure at this point. Part of me is excited and raring to go while another part of me doubts my ability to succeed.

From a positive start, to a scary middle, my latest adventure has been a bit of both. I celebrated my 51st birthday on Monday, and although I had to work that night, one of my kids came into the shop to see me, help out and give me my birthday present! An amazing set of chef's knives, which he remembered me mentioning my lack of a while ago. I've never had a set like this, a 25 year guarantee, ice-hardened steel, dot matrix technology (I have no idea what that is but it sounds expensive!), black plating, 5 knives in a block. On Tuesday I ended up at the local emergency department with a gash in my hand needing an x-ray, a tetatus shot and 3 stitches! A very clean cut though, should heal well! After 5 hours of waiting and some local anaesthetic I made it to my birthday dinner only about an hour late and celebrated with my awesome family.

This reminds me that while my thesis is a large part of my life right now, it's not the only part of my life. It reminds me that I'm fallible, and clumsy, and kind, and grateful. I need to be kind to myself as well, ultimately I'm here to learn, and to contribute. To use my life experiences and my passions, my abilities and my curiosity. To be alive.